CONNECT THE DOTS: A Love Story

1.) Like the time I was trying to pretend I was tougher than I am and I told my lover I didn't need anyone to take care of me and he said but I want to take care of you and that's when it happened. That's when everything inside of me softened and I realized his love was panoramic. 2.) His love is panoramic. 3.) And the time I thought I had been broken but it turned out I'd only been mistaken. 4.) Connect the dots. 5.) Every time I play connect the dots I draw pictures I never could have made without all those other steps showing me the way. 6.) My lover's body is a gift between midnight and the dawn. A space where we do not need light in order to find each other. 7.) Stay there. Stay right where you are and let everything around you change. You will change too. But it will be without having to be wrestled to the ground. 8.) Every moment is a lesson in evolution. 9.) My lover's hands are a lesson in holding on. 10.) The only way to defy gravity is to believe in it. Believe in it with all your heart and atrophy will not affect your bones. 11.) Yesterday my friend asked me for advice on men but what could I tell her? My lover is a lesson in warm affection and my coldest former flame was a lesson in chiropractics. 12.) Never chase a man whose head is two inches ahead of his body. It means he lives in the past. 13.) And if someone tells you they will never be good enough for you you should believe them because why would anybody make up a thing like that? 14.) That is all the advice I have. 15.) Connect the dots. 16.) My lover's love is panoramic. 17.) People tell us who they are all the time. We just have to listen. 18.) Love is as love does. 19.) We do. 20.) We are. 21.) And when my lover puts his hands over my eyes and then takes his hands away I am always somewhere new. 22.) Nothing lasts very long. Not even sadness. 23.) How could I have not seen this before? 24.) Trust me when I say that even the most circuitous route will turn into a clear image in the end. 25.) We all need to take care of each other. 26.) My lover's love is panoramic.

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THE FIRST TIME I FELT MY SPINE

I remember the first time I realized it

was beating. Yes, the spine beats too

from the inside out just like

the heart. The beating of the spine is

an articulate rhythm of longing. It is a pounding with

words attached—words that are engraved on your vertebrae. 

Your future as part of your history.

Every potential moment perdure.

The spine is where the desire for a life less ordinary lives.

It was November of 1989 and I was in a movie theater

waiting for a film to start.

A film starring Shirley MacLaine and Julia Roberts

and other actors I can’t remember. These details

are not important. What matters is that it came to me then,

sitting in that theater all by myself.

I dreamed up the person I wanted to be

and I set about becoming her.

Promising myself I would never lead

an inconsequential life.

This is one promise

I have kept.

Knowing who you want to be

is often more important than knowing what.

We all have this wisdom

living in the bones of our backs

some dying a little every day

to get out.

It is impossible to be great by accident.

And the bones always ask for more.

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AN OPEN LETTER TO MY LOVER ON VALENTINE'S DAY

To my darling lover- 

When I was a seed in the ground you were the sun and the water that helped me out of the dirt. Weeds can be beautiful too. Like the dandelions you pick for me on your bike rides. But you know this already, don’t you? You’ve known all along, instinctively, all the things it took me years to learn. You know that wild flowers are not born with broken hearts, and that love songs are not battle songs or songs of fear, they are gospel songs and symphonies. Thank you for always being where you were meant to be, even when I was lost. Thank you for being smart back when I was being so unbelievably stupid. Thank you for biding your time when I was wasting mine. Thank you for never disappointing me no matter how many times I may have disappointed you. Thank you for never being afraid of my passion or your own. Thank you for recognizing the value of independence and individuality, and for never asking me to be anyone except exactly who I am. Thank you for living life and love with the bravery and strength of a hero. Thank you for being a cartographer of that love, and for using my body as the map. On our own we are two bright stars in a vast and lonesome sky. Together we are a constellation. A long and crooked road can still lead to a promised land. The past is a house that has burned down, so far behind us we can no longer see the smoke nor taste the ashes. Not that we look back anyway. Ours is a journey facing right now. Fluid. Impermanent. Beautiful. Evolving. Unknown. Every blink is a beginning. Every hungry kiss an adventure. This is as easy as breathing and as difficult as climbing a mountain. I am your artist and your muse and your lascivious partner in crime. Inspired by your goodness. Humbled by your greatness. Warmed by your kindness. Drenched by your desire. I love you with the grace of an angel and the courage of an astronaut. We do not belong to each other we belong to this moment and this moment belongs to us.

We surrender.

          *          *          *       

ASH & PHOSPHENE

It was the silence that I noticed first
The disorder cured
The breaking of the curse

Then the scratches and scrapes
The scars and the aches
I couldn’t feel them any more

All the little sorrows and rocks
That had lived and tumbled
Inside my heart

Like razor blades in a washing machine
Had transformed into stillness
Ash and phosphene 

Where heartbreak was once the noise that I breathed
For this moment is buried
Under my feet

And now the burden is gone the day is sweet
I see it all so clearly now
I am free I am free


*     *     *  

CELESTIAL MECHANICS

“One of the constellations the Milky Way passes through is Sagittarius, where it is brightest…”


For years I have carried a tiny solar system in a small silk pouch in my purse. A refulgent souvenir of the possible as opposed to the actual. Every moment is a first and a last. But one day my purse became too heavy and I decided to put the little worlds into a Ziploc bag and take a hammer to them. With all my might I tried to smash the glass globes to bits. Not out of anger but out of joy. Not in response to fury but in celebration of freedom. My intention was to turn the planets to dust and sprinkle the debris into the air as if I were scattering the ashes of a loved one who had passed away. But the planets could not be crushed. They would not be crushed no matter how hard I hit them. Perhaps some things are indestructible. Even fragile things. So I remain their keeper, their home, their burning light infuser. The laws of nature sometimes overpower my intentions but they also reinforce my deepest truths. Even still I do not need a galaxy of wishes at this time. Hope is what one clings to when one has nothing else. I have everything else. And when I stand alone in the blackest of darkness with this gleaming universe in my hand I can see the future. Just a flash but it is enough. I already know how this polymorphous story ends. Finally, she said. We are all happy now.


* * *

woman (messiah)

i am many things
br o k e n
and just dazzled enough
to deprive the sky
of sight

soothsayer of the future alchemist of rain

making wine
where there were only
tears

hearting a beat
where there was only
silence

i can do this better
than any other
woman (messiah)

¡Ahora! you fool, i howl

throwing blood and thunderstorms
onto the porches of
your demons

i only want
that you are bliss

my heart a hospital
for the wounded

uncertainty is a welcome guest
here:

pranayama BTW
a chemical and physical process
out of me ~ into you

adumbrate all you want

there will be no aftermath

i am always here

this is effortless now


* * *

HORIZONTAL TRIPTYCH

1.) That the rain never stops falling I take rent of your sorrow. Treading water upside down. How can I not be indebted to you? You taught me how to swim and every emotion in between. If there is a wall in your way let me turn it into an ocean. I cannot drown no matter how furious the flood. When the remains of your intentions sink to the bottom the water rises and so do I. Synchronicity is a thirteen-letter word. A collision. The moment we loved one another was the moment we were doomed to greatness. But commit this to memory, my love: Greatness is a choice.

2.) I will never say ‘What if’ of my own accord. If words could kill which ones would do you in? Brave men never die of starvation. They are too ravenous. Gnaw on my ribs like a mountain lion devours the deer. I will nourish your body and replenish the sound heaven makes when it is no longer hungry. Ask God and he will tell you. The only way to view defeat is through a kaleidoscope pointed toward a dream. We belong to each other and to nothing. You need my flesh to feed the light. I need your breath to expand my lungs. Love is symbiotic.

3.) Without you there would be no graffiti on the backs of my eyelids. Without you I would be well-rested and dry. But enough of this nonsense. I will enjoy shelter when I am dead. Tonight I wish to sleep underneath your thunderstorm. You are my last thought at night and my first upon waking. Why not make it easy on me? I am connected to the rain like the melody is connected to the song. Let us sing it together. You need to learn to stop remembering. I need to learn not to forget. My only regrets are the ones I carry for others. I have no shame. I have only love. Rip it open.


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